No Good News

I know I am not much of a blogger... I never seem to have anything in my life that I do consistently.  But, I got a phone call yesterday from a friend from work.  I have not heard much from him in awhile, so I suspected it was not good news when i heard the message.  He said he had news about Jim Sproul. 
  I know Jim has been in an out of the hospital all spring and summer.  I just knew in my gut that this was not going to be good news, so I sat down and braced myself. 
  When i talked to Jimmy, he told me that Jim had passed away today.  He told me that he had gone in and seen Jim this morning.  He also said that Jim knew before hand that it was going to be today.  I understand the nurses assured Jim that his vitals were good and stronger and that it was not going to be today.  Just like my friend Jim, he always seems to get his way... Jim Sproul, Command Sergeant Major, 300th MI Brigade, Linguist, Father, Husband, Leader and respected friend to so many, passed away after such a long and hard fight with cancer.
 Jim is such a good and respected man.  He held a very high standard, but was cool in that he didn't let himself off the hook, ever.  He was no nonsense and usually cut straight to the heart of a problem, didn't like wasting time looking at all the options, when one option was clearly the best.  He is going to be sorely missed and I feel like I lost a great friend and brother.
  I am feeling very sad about his passing, but I can only imagine if he were here, he would not like me being sad for him.  He would want to know what things I had gotten done for myself and my family.  With that in mind, I will keep this short.  I just wanted to put "pen to paper" and say that I am going to miss my friend and fellow Guardsman.  I feel comfortable keeping him on a pedestal, because I always seem to see him that way.  I will miss his smile and his teasing and his humor.  Truly, the world is a little darker for losing him, but a little better by having had him in our lives.

So long, Jim....

Gratitude

Sometimes, I get so very caught up in my own world.  I feel like I am swallowed by own self pity.  I think it might be part of my life long belief in fairness.  I, since I was a kid, always focused on what is "fair."  I would wallow and obsess about "that's not fair!"  I found myself falling to these weakness thru my adult life.  Sometimes, I would go tilting after windmills over the trivial causes thinking that if I could make something fair life would be better for me and for those around me.  Sometimes this would make me nuts and other times, it could give me a feeling of peace.
  This past few years, I keep asking..."why me?  oh, poor me.."  I thought it was not fair.  What had I done to deserve this illness.  Was I really ill?  What had happened to me and why?  I guess this petty thought  kept running around in my head and heart.  It did not give comfort or give relief.  I still find myself in my own trap. 
  Well, in the past month, I have learned that as sick as I feel, compared to my fellow workers in the National Guard, I am much better off.  I have people fighting for me right now that are sicker and facing a more dreaded future than I do.  I just today was reading about my friend, co-worker, and fellow guardsman, Jim.  His wife keeps a blog about his ordeal with cancer.  He has been sick on and off with Cancer since 05.  Now he is literally fighting for his life in the ICU.  He wife and children keep giving him love and encouraging his fight all the time.  He is really going thru hell... but you know what he said to me last time I saw him last year?  He said he felt lucky that he was not feeling like I was all the time. 
  Another new friend and fellow Guardsman, also is fighting her illness.  She is struggling with her symptoms and still doing her best with two young children and normal busy life of a wife and home keeper.   But with all of this, she finds it in her heart to fight for not just her health but over a dozen other people that we believe are ill from something at work.  She is relentless and keeps pushing so hard to get the doors to open to anyone to listen to us.  She has only given and keeps fighting for us all.
  I guess seeing these people that are in a much more difficult situation and continuing the fight makes me feel grateful.  I know I am luckier than many people.  I have children that love me and help me all  the time.  I have parents and siblings that offer encouragement all the time, too.  I have leaders that try to give me purpose.  I have so many people trying to help me.  I look at where I am and what I have, I can not help but feel grateful.  I am grateful for what I have and that includes the courage I see in my friends.

Another week gone by

I knew I would have trouble filling a blog slash journal for very long.  I feel like most of what happens to me is so mundane and boring.  I do not think that anyone could really be interested in what is happening to me and my life.  However, I have gotten a couple people that have given me some feed back and want me to continue.  I will try, but if you are bored with my ranting,... I warned you. 

  Along with all my stuff going on at my former work site, I have two great kids.  I know everyone thinks they have great kids, but I am lucky with mine.  They both have good hearts.  I think they are smart, too smart really.  They seem to pick up some of my bad habits and it is hard to get after them when they do what I do.  I enjoy teaching them and trying to get them to learn lessons without having to go thru the problem themselves.  Sometimes, I might expose them to stuff over their head or that they should be sheltered from, but I believe that the world is something that children need to be aware of so they are careful, but not afraid.  Sometimes, it bites me in the butt.  My son asked me what birth control was this week.  11 years old.  If I had hair, I would go gray after realizing what is happening this him in his world.  We talked about it and then he asked me what a condom was.  (More gray hair?)  I guess it is not that shocking... I had my birds and bees talk after 3rd grade before going to a camp.  Mom wanted me to know about it before I heard about it all from the older boys.  I still didn't know all the details, but I wasn't as surprised as some boys.
  My daughter and I made an agreement last summer no more growing up.  She could have her 7th birthday and then we were going to stop and just stay the same from now on.  I am sure it is in defiance she has grown about 2 inches since our agreement.  She can be stubborn and I have no idea where she gets that from.  My children are my anchor.  They keep me tethered to this earth.  They are everything to me.  Before I got ill, I was trying to do an "adventure" each week with my kids.  We would go on short hikes on the trails above the city, or go out to the lake, we went to movies and we went to see some natural Bald Eagles living near the Great Salt Lake.  Sometimes, it was fun, sometimes, it was boring, but we did something every week together. 
  Why share this stuff?  Because I can not longer do those things.  Before I got ill, we had a fun life.  Camping and travel, all kinds of stuff.   Now, I am trapped each day in my home.  The impact on them is amazing.  They entertain themselves when they are with me, but it is not the same.  While I have gained weight from my rounds of steroids and inactivity, I have seen my son do the same.  In many ways, I do not care for my daughter as much as her big brother does.  I talk to my kids all the time, but when I am so tired that sometimes, I can not even play a game of chess, I feel like I am letting them both down very much.  I keep thinking that I can just push myself thru this.  I have done that so many times in my life.... just put your head down and walk into the wind, but this is something else.

  Also, speaking of social life, I live a almost completely isolated life.  I used to be able to do almost anything for myself.  Now, I do not travel.  I do not go see my family like I used to.  I do not trust myself driving.  I tend to fall asleep when I get behind the wheel... I would not travel more than 20-30 minutes. (My whole family lives 3 hours away.)  I do not meet new people.  I do not have a chance to talk to other adults on a regular basis.  The most simple things are even more difficult to do.  I used to just slip on a jacket and walk around the mall on Sundays to do people watching... now, every time I leave my home, I feel like I am packing for war.  I am always tired... I do almost nothing.  I do not go see my mother when she is ill.  I do not pop in to visit family when we decide to run away. I would like to have a simple family life one day.  I would like to find someone to share my life with again, but I do not see that ever happening with what has happened to me.  I hate myself, so I do not see how someone else would ever want to be a part of my life... I just sit here and do what the doctors have told me... wait.
  Anyway... that is some of what has happened to me and my family.   I am going to put a few pictures of my brood here. Some before and some after...

Another Day, another doctor.

I saw another doctor today at Hill Air Force Base.  I like this guy.  He asked questions and looked at my records.  He wanted to make sure I understood my meds and what they are doing for me.  He also explained that with Rheumatoid/ Auto immune dieseases, there is a book about 5 inches thick that explain all these unnamed conditions.  He said they are all related but not names.  I mentioned that I had a boss that didn't think it was real because I could not give him a named diagnosis.  He said that boss was an idiot and was not in any position to make that kind of call.  I think I agree, at least with the idiot part.
  This new doctor wants to make small changes and one at time changes in the the meds that I take.  He said that if I go nuts, he will know what caused it.  He said he want to "wake me up" and give me something to combat the chronic fatigue I feel.  He also told me to sit in the sun and read a paper or a book each day.  He said we need to get to the point where I can walk or exercise 45 minutes before we will see any physical changes in my fitness.  He said we are also going to get better at managing my pain.  He said that the pain I feel is real and I need to manage it to get better.  He pointed out that anytime I try to be "stoic" or "Army" I will tend to throw my healing off course.  He said if we can manage my pain and get some energy going in my system, I will be able to take some portion of control of myself and my recovery.  Makes sense to me.  I like that he listened and was looking up my prior meds before deciding what he was going to do.  He and I will visit again in a couple weeks.  I hope this might be some of the changes I need in my life.

Another thing, I found the website for another friend-co-worker.  His wife keeps a blog of what is going on with him.  I would like to post this here.  If you are interested enough to read my dribble, you should look at this site.  (Also, go to the bottom of her blog to get some music started while you read about Jim.)

Jim's Wife's Blog about his condition.

My internet connection has been up and down the last 2 days and it is getting slower now.. I will post this before it stops all together.

Sunday Trip

Yesterday, I made a commitment to go visit my friend Mark.  He is on my list of friends from work.  He now lives in a nursing home closer to my home.  Only one exit away.  Finding the place was really easy.  Google Earth helps me navigate Utah roads better these days.  I got to the place and took me awhile to find Mark's room.  He wife was with him.  I had not seen her in a several years and I guess the steroids and everything has changed me.  She didn't know who I was.  I told her and she didn't believe me.
  I had been told that Mark was walking and was shocked to see him.  He is still in bed.  He can not walk right now.  He just returned from another bout of infections and had a 7 day stay at the U of U hospital.  While there, Mark old neighbor came by to visit him.  We talked for a while, but Mark's meds kicked in and it became more difficult to talk.  I was having a difficult time, too.  I do not take some of my meds when i am going to be driving so I was uncomfortable and having a difficult time.  I was able to tell Mark and Tiffany, his wife, about some of the information that Megan has found about the possible toxins/ poisons at our worksite in Ogden.  Tiffany's sister, Ling, is also on my list of co-workers.  Ling died a few years ago.  I told them both that while it might be too late to help us, we might be able to work together to save other lives.  I also think it is important to get the word out to Ling's surviving family members.  We were able to exchange some information and promised to keep in touch.  I am going to add their picture here.  Maybe putting a human face on this will make it less of a names and numbers list and more of a real situation. 
  It is humbling and a grave reminder to me how good my situation is right now. Even as sick and tired and worn out as I feel, I still do not have it as bad as some people.
  One other note, Tiffany pointed out that while Mark did get a medical retirement from the government, and disability from Social Security, the VA collects most of that to pay for his long term care and expenses.  After all of this, being broken and hurt, he can not take care of his family.  He is going to be a ward and dependent of the State for his life.  Sometimes, I wonder if that will be my future if things keep going this way.

More news from work

I also found out that there was a Black Mold problem inside of this confined building.  While the danger was pointed out to all, no real decontamination effort was made.
  They remodeled the break room.  When the pulled out the cabinet around the sink, they found black mold.  Most information points out that this stuff is toxic and can spread through out a building.  This was wiped up and the new cabinet was put in place.
  I was told that I have asthma in 07.  Now, being just a little paranoid about the situation at work, I wonder if that is why I cough all the time.

Getting the word out

This past week or so, one of my co-workers has spread the word about the possible toxin exposure at where I worked.  During that time, more people have come forward and shared their own experiences.  Just yesterday, found another woman that worked there for one year that has cancer.  Others are going to their doctors.  What scares me the most, the leadership I contact at my work still do not see the "proof."  I wonder how many people must die before we no longer look for proof before we act.  I wonder when we start saying...hmm... something is going on here. (common scents?)  Maybe we should be safe first and pull the workers until we can find out what is going on here.  But everyone still works.  They found out there is a lead exposure problem about 18 months ago and just put out a bid for a clean up this week.    Doesn't feel like a rush to save lives.   I think it is entirely possible that everyone in the building could die at one time and without "proof" they would put in more workers.  Proof might never be found, but when do we just look at a problem and solve it.
  When I was in Iraq, one of our jobs was to monitor the number of linguists supporting the operations.  We had several ways of doing this.  One break down was by camp and we noticed that one camp had a very upsetting trend in the number of linguist deaths.  Most camps had one to four deaths among the linguists working with them.  But one camp was way over 50.  We realized that the insurgents were targeting the linguists in particular.  I remember talking on the phone with the camp commander and pointing out that he had to protect these linguists.  He said these deaths did not happen during duty hours.  These folks died when they went back to their home at night.  He didn't feel like he had a responsibility for contractors after they left the camp.  I told him to keep them in his camp and try to protect them.  He told me I didn't have proof that they were being targeted.  Later, a female captain I talked to recognized the problem and took on the responsibilty herself.  She ended up convincing the leadership to move all the linguists onto the camp and then started targeting the insurgents that were doing this.
  I wonder when I will find that kind of captain in my own organization.  I worry more will die and suffer and never find the smoking gun.  But they could have been saved if we acted a few years ago when the suspicions were first brought up.
 

More News for me

I have been ill for sometime.  I went from being able to run 5 miles at a time to where now, I got to pick up my mail and can almost not get back to my apartment.  I feel more and more that maybe I was loosing my mind.  I used to be a good worker, good soldier, proud of what I did.  Now, I am Jabba the Hut.  I am tired ALL the time.  My hands and feet hurt me all the time.  My back is getting worse.  I seem to have a cough all the time.  Anyway, I have had some ideas of what is going on.  One doctor has related my illness to an exposure to Human Parvovirus exposure in 07.  I believed it for the longest time.  But also, in the back of my mind, I suspected that there was more going on.  I worked with a small group of people at a Army location in Ogden, UT.  Mark, Ling, Jim, Steve, Chris, Andy, Jeff, and myself.  Chris is dead-cancer. Ling is Dead-scleroderma. Jim has cancer and going thru his third and probably final bout of chemo. Andy got a medical discharge for "gulf war syndrome."  Jeff got a medical discharge for MS. I have been on my butt for almost 3 years with R.A. and CFS. (I think there is more, but do not know the label.)  Steve is the last man standing.  I have raised this concern many many times and treated like a crazy man.  My Colonel actually thought I had stress and was a gold bricker.  He wanted to just kick me out without any medical boards, benefits, retirement, etc... I have really grown to hate myself and what has become of me.  Maybe I should be able to just will myself thru this, but I can not do it.
 THE NEWS: Last week, I was contacted by a former Air Force member.  She was ill and was having problems like me and my sick and dead group.  She found out that there might be others that are ill.  We have "talked" by e-mail and phone.  She is truly a hero in my book.  She makes me feel sane.  She has also found documentation on the EPA web site that shows the place we work might be contaminated with Vinyl Chloride (VC) and TCE (Causes Cancer).  She has poured over the documentation and might even have a timeframe that we were exposed.  I might have a cause for my illness.  I also might have come to the realization that my former friends and co-workers might still be in danger.
 I contacted my chain of command and let them know.  I hope they take action, but do not know what will happen.  I realize now that my life might be shorten and wiped out, but I have a chance to redeem myself in the future.  The problem still remains...how to care for my children until they can leave the nest.
  I am scared but hopeful.  My main fear is the powers that be will ignore what we find and sweep me under the rug.  This might be my only way to tell my story.

http://bit.ly/9tus5e

Recent History

My last three years have been the most frustrating period of my life.  I have had some very difficult times in my life, I think.  I of my parents divorce and that was very tough.  I also remember my last year of college and how none of my plans were working and I was really panicked about graduation and work after I was done.  I almost flunked out my last semester (but that is for another day).  My one year in Iraq was probably the most difficult time of my life.  I had mortars and rocket fire into the base all the time, and every time we left the base, there were risks of car bombs, roadside bombs, kidnapping (remember the people being beheaded all the time?) and the mess hall.
 None of those things have been as difficult as wondering what was going on with my body.  I started getting sick in the summer of 07.  Everything that was easy, became very difficult.  I was tired all the time.  I used to run (very slowly) distance.  I could run about 5 miles, but it took an hour.  I liked lifting weights, before.  I was acting boss where I was work while the real boss was deployed to Central Asia.  I had a lot of responsibility and I really enjoyed it.  Then that all changed so quickly...
  I was diagnosed with Human ParvoVirus B19.  I understand that I was lucky to find out. Many people do not know what happens to them.  The virus got into my bones and cause me to have arthritis and FATIGUE.  I was SOOO tired.  I seemed to sleep all the time.  Anyway... that has been my life for the last almost 3 years.  Sometimes, I wondered if I was going crazy.  People that I respected spoke ill of me.  Many of my friends vanished.  I felt embarrassed about myself.  I feel like a bad father and family member.  What should be easy, is so difficult now.  Everything is difficult.  BOO HOO...  but mostly, I felt so confused about myself and what had happened.  Was I a gold bricker?  Had I become the worlds biggest hypochondriac?  I just wanted to feel better, or at least like I was before.  Now I am going to be kicked out of the Army.  I have lost all my personal standing in my army unit.  I have been shunned by friends and co workers.  My parents have been great, but still they can not do much and I am tired of "crying" to them about my condition.
  My fear is really something now.  I do not know what is going to happen next.  I do not know what will happen to me after the army boots me out.  How will I take care of my family?  How will I pay my bills?  How will I work for the rest of my life?
  I am now beginning to make arrangements for my Medical Evaluation Board (MEB).  They will start to check me out before throwing me to the curb.  I got my first call this week about what happens next.  I also got a call from a woman that might have an explanation what has happened to me.  It might not be what I have thought.  I might actually be exposed to a dangerous chemical and the Army did this to me.  Like me... you will find out as I find out.

Reaching Out

I used to be VERY cool and cutting edge with the newest and latest computer and internet stuff. I would be ahead of everyone trying to learn and understand the newest stuff. Somewhere along the way, I fell behind and never caught up. I have had a few meager starts again, but not a lot of luck. This is a new start again for me. I am going to start telling my story, my thoughts and some of my experiences. Some of this blog is for the historian in me. (I graduated from BYU in History and Asian Studies. ) Some of this is an attempt to organize my thoughts and try to understand what I am thinking about. Finally, I think part of this is an attempt to reach out to the world at large and see if anyone has some answers and can help me. Help me understand the world or my own situation.

I know myself well enough to know that I will probably start off with many entries and later start to drop off. I do want to get some information out about me and my situation. Maybe someone can learn from my mistakes and from what has happened to me in my life. You must understand that this is one of the most difficult things I can do. I have spent my entire life as an Intel Officer and keeping secrets. I have always felt that being off the radar is VERY important. Now... I think I might have more to offer besides my silence.