I have been ill for sometime. I went from being able to run 5 miles at a time to where now, I got to pick up my mail and can almost not get back to my apartment. I feel more and more that maybe I was loosing my mind. I used to be a good worker, good soldier, proud of what I did. Now, I am Jabba the Hut. I am tired ALL the time. My hands and feet hurt me all the time. My back is getting worse. I seem to have a cough all the time. Anyway, I have had some ideas of what is going on. One doctor has related my illness to an exposure to Human Parvovirus exposure in 07. I believed it for the longest time. But also, in the back of my mind, I suspected that there was more going on. I worked with a small group of people at a Army location in Ogden, UT. Mark, Ling, Jim, Steve, Chris, Andy, Jeff, and myself. Chris is dead-cancer. Ling is Dead-scleroderma. Jim has cancer and going thru his third and probably final bout of chemo. Andy got a medical discharge for "gulf war syndrome." Jeff got a medical discharge for MS. I have been on my butt for almost 3 years with R.A. and CFS. (I think there is more, but do not know the label.) Steve is the last man standing. I have raised this concern many many times and treated like a crazy man. My Colonel actually thought I had stress and was a gold bricker. He wanted to just kick me out without any medical boards, benefits, retirement, etc... I have really grown to hate myself and what has become of me. Maybe I should be able to just will myself thru this, but I can not do it.
THE NEWS: Last week, I was contacted by a former Air Force member. She was ill and was having problems like me and my sick and dead group. She found out that there might be others that are ill. We have "talked" by e-mail and phone. She is truly a hero in my book. She makes me feel sane. She has also found documentation on the EPA web site that shows the place we work might be contaminated with Vinyl Chloride (VC) and TCE (Causes Cancer). She has poured over the documentation and might even have a timeframe that we were exposed. I might have a cause for my illness. I also might have come to the realization that my former friends and co-workers might still be in danger.
I contacted my chain of command and let them know. I hope they take action, but do not know what will happen. I realize now that my life might be shorten and wiped out, but I have a chance to redeem myself in the future. The problem still remains...how to care for my children until they can leave the nest.
I am scared but hopeful. My main fear is the powers that be will ignore what we find and sweep me under the rug. This might be my only way to tell my story.
http://bit.ly/9tus5e
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Recent History
My last three years have been the most frustrating period of my life. I have had some very difficult times in my life, I think. I of my parents divorce and that was very tough. I also remember my last year of college and how none of my plans were working and I was really panicked about graduation and work after I was done. I almost flunked out my last semester (but that is for another day). My one year in Iraq was probably the most difficult time of my life. I had mortars and rocket fire into the base all the time, and every time we left the base, there were risks of car bombs, roadside bombs, kidnapping (remember the people being beheaded all the time?) and the mess hall.
None of those things have been as difficult as wondering what was going on with my body. I started getting sick in the summer of 07. Everything that was easy, became very difficult. I was tired all the time. I used to run (very slowly) distance. I could run about 5 miles, but it took an hour. I liked lifting weights, before. I was acting boss where I was work while the real boss was deployed to Central Asia. I had a lot of responsibility and I really enjoyed it. Then that all changed so quickly...
I was diagnosed with Human ParvoVirus B19. I understand that I was lucky to find out. Many people do not know what happens to them. The virus got into my bones and cause me to have arthritis and FATIGUE. I was SOOO tired. I seemed to sleep all the time. Anyway... that has been my life for the last almost 3 years. Sometimes, I wondered if I was going crazy. People that I respected spoke ill of me. Many of my friends vanished. I felt embarrassed about myself. I feel like a bad father and family member. What should be easy, is so difficult now. Everything is difficult. BOO HOO... but mostly, I felt so confused about myself and what had happened. Was I a gold bricker? Had I become the worlds biggest hypochondriac? I just wanted to feel better, or at least like I was before. Now I am going to be kicked out of the Army. I have lost all my personal standing in my army unit. I have been shunned by friends and co workers. My parents have been great, but still they can not do much and I am tired of "crying" to them about my condition.
My fear is really something now. I do not know what is going to happen next. I do not know what will happen to me after the army boots me out. How will I take care of my family? How will I pay my bills? How will I work for the rest of my life?
I am now beginning to make arrangements for my Medical Evaluation Board (MEB). They will start to check me out before throwing me to the curb. I got my first call this week about what happens next. I also got a call from a woman that might have an explanation what has happened to me. It might not be what I have thought. I might actually be exposed to a dangerous chemical and the Army did this to me. Like me... you will find out as I find out.
None of those things have been as difficult as wondering what was going on with my body. I started getting sick in the summer of 07. Everything that was easy, became very difficult. I was tired all the time. I used to run (very slowly) distance. I could run about 5 miles, but it took an hour. I liked lifting weights, before. I was acting boss where I was work while the real boss was deployed to Central Asia. I had a lot of responsibility and I really enjoyed it. Then that all changed so quickly...
I was diagnosed with Human ParvoVirus B19. I understand that I was lucky to find out. Many people do not know what happens to them. The virus got into my bones and cause me to have arthritis and FATIGUE. I was SOOO tired. I seemed to sleep all the time. Anyway... that has been my life for the last almost 3 years. Sometimes, I wondered if I was going crazy. People that I respected spoke ill of me. Many of my friends vanished. I felt embarrassed about myself. I feel like a bad father and family member. What should be easy, is so difficult now. Everything is difficult. BOO HOO... but mostly, I felt so confused about myself and what had happened. Was I a gold bricker? Had I become the worlds biggest hypochondriac? I just wanted to feel better, or at least like I was before. Now I am going to be kicked out of the Army. I have lost all my personal standing in my army unit. I have been shunned by friends and co workers. My parents have been great, but still they can not do much and I am tired of "crying" to them about my condition.
My fear is really something now. I do not know what is going to happen next. I do not know what will happen to me after the army boots me out. How will I take care of my family? How will I pay my bills? How will I work for the rest of my life?
I am now beginning to make arrangements for my Medical Evaluation Board (MEB). They will start to check me out before throwing me to the curb. I got my first call this week about what happens next. I also got a call from a woman that might have an explanation what has happened to me. It might not be what I have thought. I might actually be exposed to a dangerous chemical and the Army did this to me. Like me... you will find out as I find out.
Reaching Out
I used to be VERY cool and cutting edge with the newest and latest computer and internet stuff. I would be ahead of everyone trying to learn and understand the newest stuff. Somewhere along the way, I fell behind and never caught up. I have had a few meager starts again, but not a lot of luck. This is a new start again for me. I am going to start telling my story, my thoughts and some of my experiences. Some of this blog is for the historian in me. (I graduated from BYU in History and Asian Studies. ) Some of this is an attempt to organize my thoughts and try to understand what I am thinking about. Finally, I think part of this is an attempt to reach out to the world at large and see if anyone has some answers and can help me. Help me understand the world or my own situation.
I know myself well enough to know that I will probably start off with many entries and later start to drop off. I do want to get some information out about me and my situation. Maybe someone can learn from my mistakes and from what has happened to me in my life. You must understand that this is one of the most difficult things I can do. I have spent my entire life as an Intel Officer and keeping secrets. I have always felt that being off the radar is VERY important. Now... I think I might have more to offer besides my silence.
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