Another week gone by

I knew I would have trouble filling a blog slash journal for very long.  I feel like most of what happens to me is so mundane and boring.  I do not think that anyone could really be interested in what is happening to me and my life.  However, I have gotten a couple people that have given me some feed back and want me to continue.  I will try, but if you are bored with my ranting,... I warned you. 

  Along with all my stuff going on at my former work site, I have two great kids.  I know everyone thinks they have great kids, but I am lucky with mine.  They both have good hearts.  I think they are smart, too smart really.  They seem to pick up some of my bad habits and it is hard to get after them when they do what I do.  I enjoy teaching them and trying to get them to learn lessons without having to go thru the problem themselves.  Sometimes, I might expose them to stuff over their head or that they should be sheltered from, but I believe that the world is something that children need to be aware of so they are careful, but not afraid.  Sometimes, it bites me in the butt.  My son asked me what birth control was this week.  11 years old.  If I had hair, I would go gray after realizing what is happening this him in his world.  We talked about it and then he asked me what a condom was.  (More gray hair?)  I guess it is not that shocking... I had my birds and bees talk after 3rd grade before going to a camp.  Mom wanted me to know about it before I heard about it all from the older boys.  I still didn't know all the details, but I wasn't as surprised as some boys.
  My daughter and I made an agreement last summer no more growing up.  She could have her 7th birthday and then we were going to stop and just stay the same from now on.  I am sure it is in defiance she has grown about 2 inches since our agreement.  She can be stubborn and I have no idea where she gets that from.  My children are my anchor.  They keep me tethered to this earth.  They are everything to me.  Before I got ill, I was trying to do an "adventure" each week with my kids.  We would go on short hikes on the trails above the city, or go out to the lake, we went to movies and we went to see some natural Bald Eagles living near the Great Salt Lake.  Sometimes, it was fun, sometimes, it was boring, but we did something every week together. 
  Why share this stuff?  Because I can not longer do those things.  Before I got ill, we had a fun life.  Camping and travel, all kinds of stuff.   Now, I am trapped each day in my home.  The impact on them is amazing.  They entertain themselves when they are with me, but it is not the same.  While I have gained weight from my rounds of steroids and inactivity, I have seen my son do the same.  In many ways, I do not care for my daughter as much as her big brother does.  I talk to my kids all the time, but when I am so tired that sometimes, I can not even play a game of chess, I feel like I am letting them both down very much.  I keep thinking that I can just push myself thru this.  I have done that so many times in my life.... just put your head down and walk into the wind, but this is something else.

  Also, speaking of social life, I live a almost completely isolated life.  I used to be able to do almost anything for myself.  Now, I do not travel.  I do not go see my family like I used to.  I do not trust myself driving.  I tend to fall asleep when I get behind the wheel... I would not travel more than 20-30 minutes. (My whole family lives 3 hours away.)  I do not meet new people.  I do not have a chance to talk to other adults on a regular basis.  The most simple things are even more difficult to do.  I used to just slip on a jacket and walk around the mall on Sundays to do people watching... now, every time I leave my home, I feel like I am packing for war.  I am always tired... I do almost nothing.  I do not go see my mother when she is ill.  I do not pop in to visit family when we decide to run away. I would like to have a simple family life one day.  I would like to find someone to share my life with again, but I do not see that ever happening with what has happened to me.  I hate myself, so I do not see how someone else would ever want to be a part of my life... I just sit here and do what the doctors have told me... wait.
  Anyway... that is some of what has happened to me and my family.   I am going to put a few pictures of my brood here. Some before and some after...